If you’ve gotten to this article, you might be wondering if you’re demisexual. It’s likely that you already have a suspicion that you are, but you just don’t know for sure. This makes sense, considering that many demisexuals don’t experience sexual attraction frequently, so it’s hard to describe something with which you have little experience.
I’ve put together a brief list of possible signs that you might be demisexual. Demisexuals don’t share all of these experiences, so you could be demisexual and not relate to this list at all. These are some common things I’ve noticed newbies and questioning people discuss though, so it will hopefully help point you in the right direction.
1. You have mixed feelings about sex.
Two thirds of demisexuals are repulsed by or indifferent towards sex. Maybe sex is something you’re okay never having (even for the rest of your life), or maybe it even grosses you out. When the conversation turns to sex, you tune out, are confused about how to respond or participate, or just feel uncomfortable or awkward. Maybe you would like to have sex, but feel anxious about actually doing it.
Maybe you don’t masturbate often, if at all. Alternately, you are happy to please yourself through masturbation whenever it suits you, but you don’t understand why orgasms have to involve another person. Maybe when you think about sex, it makes more sense as an expression of love and intimacy than as a satiation of a craving, and you need an emotional connection to enjoy sex at all.
2. The way you think about attractiveness seems to be different from how other people think about it.
This happens to a lot of school-age demisexuals: peers start talking about sex and crushes, and the demisexual senses a disconnect. Perhaps you can find people good-looking, or there’s a celebrity you admire. When asked about crushes, you deflect the question or give a made up answer. Or maybe you do have a crush, but are more interested in getting to know them and spending time with them than having sex with them. The word “hot” doesn’t mean much to you, especially when applied to real people.
Maybe you don’t have sexual urges, or you don’t get what the big deal is about watching porn or going to a strip club or putting up posters of half-naked, muscular people. Perhaps you find people much more attractive when dressed sharply, than when naked.
3. You like the idea of sex or want to have it, but can’t think of anyone you’d do it with.
This experience is particularly common for demisexuals. You might be fine discussing sex with other people, or maybe you also watch porn and masturbate. Maybe you do get excited by sex scenes in movies, and maybe you’re excited by things like sex toys and lingerie. You don’t really feel like you think about sex differently than other people.
However, there’s just one problem. When you think about who you’d have sex with, you draw a blank. It’s like when you’re hungry and you open the fridge only to find nothing appealing. Maybe you go to parties and people watch, expecting one person to stand out as Sexually Attractive, but no one does, no matter how much you look.
4. You view sex as an obligation, or have other reasons for doing it.
Perhaps you found yourself having sex with a past partner because you felt obligated, because sex was just “what you do” in a relationship, or because you thought you’d like it if you tried it. Maybe you focused on doing the right thing to please your partner, rather than really getting into it physically. Or maybe you found the sensations pleasurable, but just couldn’t connect with your partner.
5. Flirting doesn’t make sense to you.
Maybe it goes right over your head, or it makes you uncomfortable. The idea of flirting seems pointless—why do that when you can have a proper, deep conversation and get to the know the person instead? Maybe when someone gets flirty, you just have no idea how to respond and would prefer to run in the other direction. You feel frustrated that you can’t just talk to someone normally—why do they have to hit on you? Your friends point out that people were flirting with you or checking out out later, or you realize only belatedly. You tend to avoid situations, like parties or clubs, where you can expect lots of flirting, and if you do, you’re either on high alert or happily oblivious.
6. You’re nervous about dating and would prefer to date your friends.
Maybe you’d like to be in a relationship, but the whole casual dating thing doesn’t appeal to you. How can people have sex with someone after only a few dates? How can they have sex with someone they just met? Do people really expect sex on the first date? Yikes!
You can only do long term relationships, because you seek great emotional intimacy before getting physical, if at all. You find the whole idea of dating different people daunting or too much effort. The idea of dating your friends may make more sense to you because you only develop sexual feelings towards people you know well. Maybe you find yourself developing sexual attraction after becoming close friends with someone.
7. When you do feel sexual attraction, it’s confusing and/or exclusive.
Because of their low frequency of sexual attraction, demisexuals may be confused when they do feel it. They may not recognize it for what it is. That warm fuzzy feeling when snuggling with a friend? Strange, but probably just the warm fuzzies… Right? For a demisexual, maybe the idea of having sex with the friend doesn’t seem totally terrible. In fact, it might be quite good. But with anyone else, it would definitely be terrible.
For some demisexuals, when they have sexual feelings for one person (like when they’re in a relationship), it’s impossible to imagine being attracted to someone else. They can’t imagine physically cheating on a partner, simply because they don’t find anyone else sexually attractive.
In conclusion…
No one can tell you for sure whether or not you are demisexual. Only you know what you’re experiencing, so only you know whether or not the label fits you. Even if it does fit, it’s okay to not want to use it. Every demisexual has a highly individualized sexuality, so everyone’s experiences are going to be different. As long as you feel that the label fits you and helps you better understand yourself, it’s totally okay to use it.
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