Frequently Asked Questions

These are some of the most frequent questions I have received on my advice blog. If you have other questions which are not answered here or by my other articles, feel free to contact me.

Can someone else tell me if I’m demisexual?

Only you can determine if the demisexual label fits you, because only you know what your experiences are like. While others can give advice on if your train of thought is going in the right direction, or help provide information, only you can label yourself.

What does sexual attraction feel like?

Sexual attraction is the desire for sexual contact with a specific other person. It may involve wanting to touch their genitalia or breasts, which may stand out as pleasurable. You may have a feeling of heat in your body (especially in your abdomen and genital areas). Some people have compared it to hunger, but for a sexual experienced with a specific person.

Many demisexuals confuse sensual attraction (wanting to touch, cuddle, etc. someone) with sexual attraction, and it can be difficult to differentiate the two. I have felt sensually attracted to people, but not sexually attracted, and I know this because the thought of cuddling with them is pleasant, but the thought of doing anything sexual with them feels weird. You might conduct a similar thought experiment if you’re wondering whether or not you’re sexually attracted to someone.

If I experience arousal, am I still demisexual?

Arousal is a biological reaction to sexual stimuli, like how salivating is a biological reaction to seeing food when you’re hungry. Arousal may occur even when someone is not sexually attracted to the person they are interacting with, and may occur for other physiological reasons as well (hormone shifts, blood flow, etc.) Regardless of how you experience arousal, your demisexual identity is still valid.

If I have a sex drive, am I still demisexual?

Some demisexuals have a high sex drive, some have a low one, and some have one which changes. Whichever one you have (or don’t have), you can certainly still identify as demisexual. It is possible to feel sexual attraction and have no sex drive to act on it, or not feel sexual attraction and have an impulse to satisfy a sex drive.

How do I know if I’m demisexual or asexual?

Some people, who have not felt sexual attraction, wonder if they are demisexual because they could feel sexually attracted to someone in future and have not yet met the right person. My advice regarding this is to go with whatever best describes you now, and worry about changing your label if you have new experiences later on (they might happen, they might not). If you haven’t felt sexual attraction, asexual might fit better, but if you have felt sexual attraction after forming an emotional bond with someone, demisexual might fit better.

What are some demisexual pride symbols?

The demisexual pride flag, as seen on the menu, is one of the main pride symbols. I have also seen the fleur-de-lis used, but I personally dislike it because it historically has connotations of chastity and purity, which lead people to misunderstand demisexuality.

Asexuality has some pride symbols which demisexuals are welcome to use as well. Some asexual spectrum people wear a black ring (usually on the middle finger of their right hand) as a way to spot others while out and about, or just to express pride.

There’s also the asexual flag and the AVEN triangle. On the flag, there are four horizontal stripes: the black represents asexuality, the gray represents the space in between (which includes demisexuals), the white represents allosexuality (the opposite of asexuality), and the purple represents community. The triangle has a gradient going from white to black for the same reason. AVEN stands for the Asexual Visibility and Education Network.

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