Myths About Demisexuals

Because it’s a little-known sexual orientation, there are a lot of myths surrounding demisexuality. Here are some of the most common ones I’ve found.

Demisexuals are slut-shaming and judging other people for having casual sex.

Demisexuality is a sexual orientation, not an opinion or moral judgement. The only thing demisexuals have in common is feeling sexual attraction only after an emotional bond is formed. This is not a choice, unlike an opinion, which you can choose to hold. Demisexuals as individuals have various opinions on casual sex, and a few may even participate in it themselves.

Demisexuality is fake.

“Demisexual” is just a word for a certain pattern of attraction which already occurs. There is nothing fake about it. The experiences of demisexuals are real, and they just happen to have a word which functions as a shorthand for describing those experiences (which is what words do, after all). Demisexuals find their pattern of attraction significantly different enough from that of most people that they use a word to describe it.

Demisexuals aren’t oppressed, and just want a label so they can make that claim.

I have honestly never seen a demisexual claim that they are oppressed. Most demisexuals are just pleased that they have found a word and community which describes them and helps them feel less alone or broken. I’ve mostly seen demisexuals saying that they feel misunderstood or broken, not oppressed. In any case, claiming a label isn’t the same thing as claiming oppression: heterosexual is a label, but heterosexuals aren’t oppressed.

Demisexuals are just straight people trying to be queer.

You’re forgetting about the demisexuals who experience same-gender attraction, the demisexuals who don’t experience any attraction, the transgender demisexuals, the nonbinary demisexuals, and many others. There is an intersection between LGBT+ identities and demisexuality. Also, because demisexuals have a lot in common with asexuals, even the ones who are heteroromantic identify strongly with asexuals rather than heterosexuals.

Wait… Is demisexuality queer?

You’re going to get a different answer from everyone. Some people think queer can only be used by groups against whom it was originally used as a slur, while others use it as an umbrella term for all minority sexual orientations and gender identities. Some demisexuals identify as queer and some don’t. There is no consensus as to whether demisexuality is considered queer or not.